POOF! Why Men and Women Pull the Disappearing Act

Greetings! Long time no updates, I know! But I'm back, and with another insight into the dating world.

Have you ever met out with that man or woman, you end up going on a date or two... you seem to think it may be going well, but then all of a sudden they're gone? Just... vanished without a trace, not answering calls, texts (or, let's be real, Facebook messages... you know what I'm saying). We've all been there. I know I have been there quite often. I've even been guilty of it once or twice myself. All of a sudden, the other person just goes "Poof!"

I recently read two articles off of the dating site eHarmony: "The Real Reasons Men go 'Poof'" by Grant Langston, and "The Real Reasons Women go 'Poof'" by Jeannie Assimos (In an interesting coincidence, the two articles are actually NOT written by the same author.) Both articles essentially "survey" the specific genders, and come up with lists of what the reasons are for "poofing." Before getting to my point, I think I'll list off the reasons from the article:

Women's Reasons:

1) She met someone better.
2) Too much invasion of personal space.
3) She's afraid he'll ask why (in essence, she doesn't want to explain why she's turned off).
4) He's boring.
5) Because he won't get it (basically she talk all she wants, but the guy will still be clueless).
6) He won't take it well (i.e., she's worried about his "psycho potential" or "flipping out capacity").
7) She can't deal with confrontation.
8) A bad first date (note: I personally hate this one because there are always so many factors that can affect the first date).

Men's Reasons:

1) They are emotional midgets (basically they lack the emotional maturity and vocabulary to explain why they aren't interested).
2) She seems slightly unhinged (re: "psycho potential").
3) He's been leading you on (he's not actually interested in love and a long-term interest, so when he feels "the talk" coming one, poof!).
4) Two dates isn't a relationship.
5) He doesn't want to destroy you with a personality critique (he cares about your self-esteem and doesn't want to sit there and list all of your faults).
6) The reason is too embarrassing and he's a bad liar (i.e., he's met 1) a more convenient woman, 2) a more sexually available woman, 3) a better-looking woman, 4) a woman his friends like more, all of which are embarrassing things to admit).
7) Neither he nor she wants to sit through that awkward "It's not you, it's me" conversation.
8) He has a misguided notion about modern dating (essentially, who wants to deal with all that old-fashioned junk, especially the "old-fashioned break-up talk"?).
9) He's scared of how great you are (anyone who manages to stir up real feelings causes him to bolt... it's a safety mechanism).
10) He's allowed to maintain the illusion that he's a nice person.

Most, if not all, of those reasons are perfectly valid and understandable reasons. But does that really make it right?At the very least, doesn't everyone deserve some sort of "Hey, I'm not interested in going any farther with this" explanation? Don't leave the other person hanging. It's probably the worst thing you can do when you're not interested. I'd rather have a woman tell me "I just don't find you appealing at all" than just leave me hanging out to dry with absolutely no reason at all. That's what hurts the most.

Look at all of the reasons listed above. They basically all come down to one thing: fear. "I'm afraid of something." I'm afraid of the the other person. I'm afraid of myself. I afraid what might happen. It goes on and on. But sometime you just have to face any fears you have head-on. Power through. It's okay to not be interested. But at least tell the other person why. You ay have to deal with someone like me who stupidly stubborn and persistent, but just talking to the other person, even hurting their feelings, is still better than just pulling a disappearing act.

Happy dating! *Poof!*

The EX-Factor

 Hello all! Long time no updates, I know! I apologize for that, you know how it goes... life happens. But I'm here with a subject that I'm sure we're ALL familiar with, and affects us in the dating world: The EX factor. (Yes, I know. Not the most original name at all. But hey, it is what it is.)

So I'm sure lots of people have been there. We meet that person who's fantastic. We may or may not think they're "the one," but either way, we let them in, and they've made an impression on our hearts. The relationship isn't perfect, but you know, we're happy. Oh so very happy.

And then it's over.

For whatever reason, it ends. Someone cheats, you grow apart, etc etc... regardless of the reason, the relationship is over. They're gone. And they've taken a piece of our hearts with them. This is what makes the dating world so tricky.

We never get over our "first loves" (and I use that expression very loosely). This is a fact. We may move on, we may find happiness elsewhere, we may even "fall in love" with someone else. But for whatever reason, a part of heart still belongs to that other person. The one that got away. The one that left. The one that broke your heart. Call it whatever you want, you know what I'm talking about.

This makes it very hard for us single folks out there. When you accept someone into your life, you accept all of the baggage that comes with them. And the ex-factor is a part of that baggage. You may or may not realize it, but when you're dating someone with that sort of baggage, you're really dating two people. You're dating that person, and you're dating their ex. Or to be more accurate, you're still competing with that ex. And unfortunately, there's not much you can do about it except be who you are and hope that it's good enough.

So this blog isn't really for you. It's for those who are carrying the ex-factor with them. There's a reason they aren't there anymore. I think if you're going to commit yourself, attempt to commit yourself, or express an interest in someone else, you need to be sincere. The other person deserves a fair chance to be that special someone, and they can't do it if you're still suffering from the ex-factor. If you're not emotionally available, then don't pretend to be. Or at the very least, involve yourself with someone else who isn't emotionally available. Then you can just scratch each others' itches with no strings attached.

Though... if romantic comedies are anything to go by, that's almost impossible to do. (But that's a whole OTHER topic.)

In short, the other person deserves a fair chance. And if you're not ready to give them a fair chance, then get off the field and let others play.

Until next time...

Fear of Love? Fear of Commitment?

Greetings all! Let's have a chat today about another topic: Fear.

The most common things we hear about as to why we're still single is fear. The most common fear? Fear of commitment. Your man or woman doesn't want to commit to you because they don't want to be tied down. They're afraid of missing out on life, opportunities, and all the like. You know. We've all seen it, so it's a very valid thing. But I think there's another fear that a lot of people tend to overlook.

Fear of falling in love itself.

I tend to suffer from this affliction. Love, real and true love, is a very frightening thing. It's like giving someone the key to your several hundred-thousand dollar car, and then trusting them to take it on a road trip across the country for a month without something bad happening to it. And in love's case, substitute "several hundred-thousand dollar car" with "heart." That's probably even looking at it lightly, too. Love is a very powerful thing, and someone who knows and understands that can understandably be quite frightened.

Just to give you a small personal example, I also suffer from what I like to call "ITA" syndrome.

"I'm"
"Too"
"Average"

At least, I often think this. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of confidence, and I think I look... okay. But a part of me deep down still has those insecurities about not being good enough for a woman. If I get into a relationship and we get close, intimate, or what have you, she may still end up finding and falling for someone better, leaving me high and dry after we've become so close.

I believe this is a fear that a lot of people have experienced, whether they know it or not. And I think it is keeping a lot of singles, well... single. We're not afraid of commitment. In fact, we're ready for commitment, because we understand exactly what it entails. We're just afraid of giving someone that power to hurt us. The power to basically break us with a single sentence.

I guess the only solution is to just take a risk. Put yourselves out there. And if you get hurt, well then... I guess you just have to remember that's life. Live, move forward, try to stay strong. And remember that, hopefully, you have your friends and/or family to lean on for support. It's okay, that's what they are there for.

"Love isn't about playing it safe. It's about risks. Unless you're willing to put yourself out there, you'll never know."

It's All About Code

Greetings followers! Today, let's talk about something that affects us all in the dating world: CODE. The unspoken language beneath the words that men and women say to each other. You all know what I'm talking about.

You're chatting with a friend or a date. And one of you wants to advance the relationship beyond just a friendly acquaintance or courtship. I'm certainly no stranger to most of these. Here are a few key terms and phrases to be on the lookout for:

"Tell me about your love life." - Most often used by males. This sentence is used for multiple purposes. For starters, it's used to find out if you're single, dating someone, in a relationship, recently out of a relationship, etc., without coming right out and asking it directly. It's also used to evaluate the likelihood of the potential for the two of you to end up in a relationship. It helps find out if she's open to dating, possibly what kinds of guys she's attracted to, if she's carrying any emotional baggage, and so forth. I've definitely been guilty of using this one more often I feel comfortable admitting.

"The problem is you've been dating boys/girls and need to move on to a MAN/WOMAN." - Used by both sexes. It's definitely a bit more direct, especially when adding the playful and overtly flirtatious "like me" to the end of the sentence, though the point can still across just as well without it. The real meaning" The use of this phrase is implying that either they are of a superior type to any previous exes, or at the very least that they are better or won't hurt you for whatever reason.

"I've always thought you were special..." - Again used by both sexes, but more commonly men. The code here is an easy one to figure out: they've liked from the moment they laid eyes on you. A relationship with you may or may not have been the goal from the very start, but being with you in some way was definitely on their mind right off the bat.

"You're beautiful." - Used by men. With this one, tone is important. Saying this in a passing way means "I just want to comfort you so you're not upset." But putting actual emotion behind it means the man recognizes the woman has a natural beauty. This is probably the highest compliment a man can give a woman.

"You're absolutely gorgeous." - Used by men. Pretty straightforward: you're incredibly physically appealing, and they've fantasized about having sex with you at least once, and it was a pleasing thought.

"You're (totally/really/insert synonym here) sexy." - Used by both sexes. Again straightforward: they would definitely have sex with you, relationship or not. That's not to say that it is going to definitely happen, but if the proper opportunity was there, it would happen.

"I don't want to mess up our great friendship." - Contrary to popular belief, this one is also used by both sexes, not just strictly women. When this response is pulled out, BEWARE. It means basically means you may have appealing qualities to the person, but they don't likely feel a physical attraction to you or the chemistry just isn't there for them. Basically, they could never see themselves dating you, but they want to spare your feelings.

"You're not my type." - Both sexes. Another straightforward one: They're just not physically attracted you. Plain and simple, there's no physical appeal.

There's obviously a LOT more expressions that are used in the communication between people in the dating world. And that's only the things people say, not even touching the physical codes that can mean a multitude of things. That's for a whole other topic entirely. Just remember, key to understanding the other person is in things like the eyes and the tone of voice. Looking you in the eyes is the most genuine form of expressing truth. It's all about learning to read people.

If nothing else, remember: In the dating world, it's all about code.

Alcohol and Lust

Greetings, all! Sorry for the brief disappearance, but life got a little in the way! I've been kind of busy (I had a birthday yesterday!), but I'm back with a vengeance!

Today, I want to talk about something that I think has a large effect on the dating community: alcohol.

Picture the scenario: You're at the bar. It's been a long day of work, or you're just out enjoying the evening. You may or may not be looking to meet someone, you may or may not be single, attached to someone, etc. You've had a few beers, a couple glasses of wine, some martinis, whatever. Ladies, perhaps some guy has come up to you and offered to buy you a drink... or two... or three... or four? Fellas, perhaps you just decided to buy a drink... or two... or three... or four? And either way, you end up chatting it up with someone else sitting or standing beside you. Maybe you came in with them, maybe you just decided you'd be friendly and meet someone new.

The drink relaxes you. It makes you settle, open up more than you probably would when completely sober. You might start to share things, you might feel much more comfortable than you might have initially. But alcohol can also be an aphrodisiac. It can induce lust in a lot of people, lust that might not usually happen in normal everyday situations. It's a chemical thing, science has proven it, and a lot of times it's the rush that comes from probably having a good time that creates heightened feelings of attraction and lust (this can also be induced without alcohol, but that's for a WHOLE other topic completely... maybe I'll write about it some other time).

Now, I drink. Normally I love I nice glass of wine or something after work. I'm not really a beer drinker, but I can definitely tolerate going out and having a beer with friends... it's a social thing. (Note~My preferred drink is actually Jack and Coke.) I don't ever get drunk when I'm out, though. But regardless, I've felt the personal effects of alcohol. And I've felt the effects when around someone of the opposite sex. So don't think that I'm just judging other people around me. We've all been there. And I'm going to be completely straightforward, alcohol makes me REALLY flirty. But luckily my morals and my brain can remain quite well enough intact to still establish right from wrong, and rather than give in to whatever my body may think it's feeling at that moment, I hold myself back and reserve any judgement for the next day.

I think that's the important thing. It's not necessarily that what you're feeling is wrong (though sometimes, to be honest, it is, and that's why its' even more important not to give in). However, with the lowered guard created by alcohol, you must beware of three things:

1) You're not taking advantage of someone who may be doing something that they otherwise wouldn't do.
2) You yourself are not falling prey to doing something that you wouldn't normally do.
3) You are not allowing either of the aforementioned items to happen to anyone that you may be with, especially if you're the sober one.*

(*Note~Number 3, I believe, is the most important. Whereas the alcohol may make either person forget the first two, you will still have the memory of anything that may happen.)

What effect does this have on the dating community, you ask? People going out to bars just looking for hookups can affect other singles out there looking to meet people. I don't believe in "casual sex." Even if you don't know or remember their names, every person takes a little piece of you with them.

But especially when dating seriously, it's important to recognize the difference between alcohol-induced lust and an actual, real attraction to someone.The former is fleeting and will leave your system with the alcohol. The latter is something real and to be treasured. I'm not saying that alcohol can't increase your pre-existing attraction to someone. I'm just saying you have to be well aware of which it is: alcohol-induced infatuation or or an increased awareness of your true affection for someone.

An Ode to Chili's

Okay, so... not really an "ode," but I've come to learn something quite swell about Chili's: it is a great first... whatever place for two people casually looking to get to know each other better.

I was out with a female acquaintance last night, and we met at Chili's. Not a date (though after last night, I wouldn't be opposed to one in the future... but that's for another time), just two friends looking to chat and get to know each other better. But Chili's is a fantastic place to for a very low-pressure, comfortable environment in which to get to know someone better that you might not know very well. And now I'm going to list the reasons why.

1) It's very casual. No pressure to look your absolute best. The environment is generally friendly. All sorts of people go there, so it doesn't feel like you're really being heavily judged by others in the restaurant. It's just a great place to go to keep things casual and fun.

2)  There's something for everyone. I like Chili's a lot because it's just a good old-fashioned mixture of American foods, so pretty much anyone can find something that they like there. I love Asian cuisine personally, but being "adventurous" is best saved for a second date.With Chili's, I know that 99 percent of the time, I won't be sitting there enjoying myself while the other person is cringing because they were just doing their best to "order safe," yet still not really enjoying the meal.

3) It's inexpensive. Now, I'm certainly not hurting for funds. My job is pretty lucrative, and I could take a woman to a "higher class," so to speak, restaurant, but for those who are little less fortunate, yet still want to be the one to pay for the meal, you can feel pretty safe knowing that the average cost for a two-person meal is around $30. And quite enjoyable food, too.

4) You can't argue that Margarita Madness month is fantastic. Enjoy great conversation over margaritas? What's not to love? Not to mention having a drink or two in the system makes you both a bit looser and more relaxed, easing any potential tension out of most situations.

So overall, I'm not saying that Chili's is absolutely perfect. After all, to each his/her own. But I think it's a great place for a first date, or first outing, whatever you choose to call it, between two people. Get to know each other in a casual environment over good food and great drinks, enjoy each others' company, and then you can think about being more exotic or adventurous on the second date/outing/etc.

Until next time!

Is Loving a Learned Behavior?

It's a pretty simple question: Is our ability to love affect by how we were raised? Is it affected by our parents/parental figures, who generally tend to have the largest affect on our lives? Or the relationships other people have around us?

It's not something I've ever really talked about much, but I'm going to get pretty personal here. My life growing up was pretty interesting. My parents got divorced back when I was very young... I believe I was about 4. I barely have any memories of all three of us living under one roof. As such, I never really had the two-parent household structure that... is actually become less and less typical these days. But that's for another blog.

I grew up seeing both of parents go through several different relationships. I watched my father date several different women throughout my life. I watched my mom date a few different guys. I was a groomsman at my father's wedding when he remarried in 2006. So forth and so on, you get my picture. In short, I never saw what the whole "two people who have committed to loving each other for the rest of their lives" situation really looks like.

And I know better than to use TV and movies as an example of that. Anybody can read lines from a script. Art imitates life, but it's still just an imitation.

I'd like to think I can grow up to be different than my parents. When I marry... if I marry... I want to only marry once. I want to find that special woman, and I want her to be the one. But now I wonder... if I find her, will I be able to hold on to her? Have my relationships failed because I don't know how to properly love anyone? Is that why I'm still single?

And when will I stop questioning why I'm single?

We live in an age where the media tells us that we all have to live fast and die young. Hence the steady rise in the number of singles under 30 in the 21st century. This has only been glorified with shows like Sex and the City, Entourage, The Bachelor(ette), and so on. We're evidently "supposed" to be going out, clubbing, living life, dating/sleeping around, etc etc. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, but it sure does make it hard to find something serious when everyone around you just wants to have fun. But what does it matter if I find her and she slips away because I don't know how to love?

How can I unlearn what I've been seeing my entire life? Oh well, life goes on, right?